Confessions of a Helicopter Mom

as featured in Best Holistic Life Magazine

If I knew when I first became a mother, what I know now, I would have been a better mother. I wasn't a bad mother, for all practical purposes, but without the self-worth I recently cultivated, I put most of my energies into over managing my children's school projects, writing assignments and other extracurricular activities. My helicopter tendencies, perfectionistic expectations and constant searching for validation through the achievements of my children, kept me and my ego very busy.

I googled "award winning science projects" and ordered every book on the subject. I mean, my ego couldn't afford for them to get a less than honorable mention. God forbid! Each year I baked and brought to school halloween cookies that would be the envy of Martha Stewart and every other parent too busy to spend three whole days slaving in the kitchen. I even wrote my children's college essays. Ok they made some slight revisions (which I vehemently opposed) but they did get into their first choice schools and when they did, for a moment, I felt better about myself.

But then something happened to me. The minute my twins left for college, the youngest home with two years of high school to complete, my mother died and my world came crashing down. I lost my identity, my 25 year marriage took a nosedive, and I had to discover who I was without children to helicopter and a codependent relationship that kept me small, frightened, and disempowered.

Four years later, alone, in a new house during a pandemic, processing a divorce and all that comes with it, I prayed, meditated and asked to see what I needed to heal, to love myself and to be whole. In relentless waves, painful memories, repressed childhood traumas and agonizing realizations came up to the surface to be witnessed, felt, acknowledged and released. I guess most spiritual authorities refer to this new experience as The Dark Night of the Soul.

My Dark Night lasted 6 years. (I wish it was just a night). But in that time, as destabilizing as the realizations, revelations and resulting heartbreaks were, a miracle happened. I learned to let go, and while there still may be some old remnants of control and perfectionistic tendencies, I let go of enough of my suffering to learn self-love. In the process of discovering who I am without all the agonizingly painful experiences and traumas that made me believe I was unlovable, a vision of how I could support other women came to me. Gaia Goddess. For the first time in my life, I was willing to believe in myself enough to risk failure, take a chance on myself and dive head first into creating a business that will not only support the healing of others but also, our beautiful planet, Gaia.

That love and deep satisfaction I cultivated for myself, fuels the intention, mission and vision for Gaia Goddess; an eco-feminist empowerment movement for all women in search of healing, self worth, community and empowerment. Gaia Goddess's website, www.gaiagoddesslifestyle.com, offers free online healing circles, meditations and a library of wellness content, designed to guide women on their journeys. Additionally we offer classes, immersive training and in person events and healing retreats, both domestic and international, to allow women to connect and find their own supportive community. We are developing an app for our Rose Gold membership community where they can communicate to their own forums some of which include Women in Business, Maternity Support, Mindful Mothering (which I could have definitely benefited from), Creating fInancial Literacy and Freedom, and Supporting Women in Transition (women processing a divorce or loss of a partner).

Our next retreat in Greece, will be a five day deep dive into women's healing and the reclamation of the divine, feminine power that exists at the core of everyone's being. When we as women come together to support and nurture ourselves and one another, something very special and powerful happens. Old programs, traumatic experiences, and things we are not even aware of reveal themselves. Then we get to choose to release, and replace these painful experiences and their resulting emotions with deep, reverent love for ourselves, each other and our world.

I realize today, all the successes of my children, with or without my contribution, validation from friends that admired my culinary skills, and praise from my husband, never amounted to a cent of my self worth! I learned worthiness comes from within, and developing a self-love practice takes time and patience. I've been working on loving myself for years. There are still aspects of myself and my body that I have not fully embraced. I often joke that when I am in a lotus position, levitating off the ground, you will know I conquered my body issues and finally found enlightenment.

But it's ok. I'm ok, and I don't have to be perfect even in my self love! I've learned to have loving compassion for myself and nurture myself first. Gaia Goddess provides nurturance and unconditional love for women to flourish, cultivate self-love, and embody their fullest expression of the empowered and awakened Goddess within. Come explore all that Gaia Goddess has to offer and make sure to sign up for our newsletter and free-membership, https://gaiagoddesslifestyle.com/pages/memberships to support your healing journey.